What About The Kids!

One of the most common reactions to me coming out is genuine concern about my children. I’ve even had loving well-intended family members suggest that I should wait until my children are grown before transitioning. I’d like to point out that this suggestion carries an implicit assumption that it would be better for my children to have a depressed and dysphoric parent than a Trans one. There are other cis-sexist assumptions here but I am choosing not to discuss those at the moment. I want to use today’s post to talk about one of my favorite subjects – my children. My wife and I are very protective of their privacy so I will not use their names but will refer to them with the number of their birth order. I am hoping to give you a brief introduction to their unique personality, as well as discussing their reactions to my transition. I will also briefly discuss their spirituality as there seems to be a concern that having a Trans parent would negatively impact them there.

I am “Daddy” to my children. We have searched for several alternatives and none of them seem to work or stick. I mean, I was “Daddy” for 10 years prior to coming out and transitioning so “Daddy” I will remain, although in my mind it is spelled “Daddie” as this is cuter and more feminine. I’m ok with staying “Daddie” – fatherhood is really the only part of manhood that ever felt comfortable to me. Being a parent is something I have looked forward to most of my life. It does lead to humorous sentences such as “Where is Daddie’s bra, she needs it?”

Spiritually speaking, my family is best described as eclectic pagans. When we married, my wife and I were faithful LDS people who were married in the LDS temple. I left the LDS church approximately six years ago and my wife followed about six months later. Since then, we have made it a point to avoid all things LDS and to disavow most of Christianity. My wife tends toward Buddhist thought with a heavy dose of mysticism/spiritualism. I have gravitated towards Kundalini Yoga – which is closely related to the Sikh faith, Native American Spiritual practices and Hindu mythology.  Both my wife and I of us revere the earth as divine and feel very connected to naturalist spiritual beliefs.  As a family, we observe the wheel of the year from a primarily Celtic/Norse orientation. – My heritage is Welsh and Dutch and my wife hales from Sweden so these practices align most with our genealogy.   We work hard to explain the symbolism and meaning of holiday rituals and activities and discuss the importance of reclaiming these from their Christianization and the colonial influences that have corrupted them. There are many spiritual artifacts throughout our home and we strive to make spirituality a daily part of life. There are several Hindu Gods who hang and watch over us in various parts of the house including Durga, Kali and Shiva in his androgynous incarnation. We also keep an altar in a living room that changes with the pagan Sabbats as we observe the wheel of the year. 

Ardhanari androgynous form of the God Vishnu

# 1 is my only child assigned male at birth. They have since come out as non-binary and prefer they/them pronouns. They are 11 years old and very socially/politically minded. Their favorite shows are “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” and “Adam Ruins Everything.” They also enjoy watching political commentary and social documentaries on YouTube. Although #1’s greatest passion is video games, they prefers independent games and will play most genre of games. #1 was the first to embrace my gender change and was often eager and proud to introduce me to their friends. They have watched me with interest and the two of us have had a lot of discussions about gender. They have also done a lot of study on their own. Even before my transition, they struggled with gender stereotypes and worked hard to figure out how their sensitivity and intellect fit into the masculine messages they were receiving. They show very little interest in traditional masculinity and do not want to live up to those social roles. One day prior to their coming out, they asked me if non-binary people had to deal with gender stereotypes. I told them “no they get to make their own gender”. About a week later they came out to me. #1 has a best friend who was assigned female at birth. Every Thursday the two of them “cross dress” – dress against their gender assigned at birth.  #1 sees their gender expression and identity as a political statement. As a result, they feel empowered and confident when they embrace their gender. They take the teasing and rude questions as a “badge of courage.” They do not tell me that they feel any dysphoria or desire to change anything about their body. They are a great example that there are very many ways to be Trans. I am proud of them and love to see my children embrace values that are important to me. #1 sees themselves as an advocate and crusader for all forms of social justice. Recently their teacher gave an assignment to write a biography on a famous historical figure. #1 is a mathlete and hopes to become an economist when they are older, so they naturally picked Alan Turing, a renowned mathematician, Godfather of modern computing and gay man. (If you don’t know who Alan Turing is you should drop everything and go watch “The Imitation Game.”) #1 had to work closely with their teacher and principal to make sure they sensitively handled the end of Turing’s life, which involves legally enforced chemical castration and suicide. Over time, they were able to find a good compromise that did not garner parent complaints while also helping #1 feel like they were sticking to their principles. Spiritually #1 is a proud atheist who is staunchly against all organized religions. They do dabble in mysticism. They love stones/gem and are learning about earth magic and spiritual properties of stones. The way they explain it, “Everyone believes in something this is what I choose to believe in.”

Anyone who has issues with singular they/them pronouns go and re-read that paragraph. How long did it take to adjust to my use of the singular they? 

Our Family Alter Dressed for Samhain (Halloween)

#2 (age 9) is the child who has struggled the most with my transition. I will always remember the moment I met #2. She was taken away from us at birth for medical care and it was a while until I was invited into the room where she was. As soon as I entered the room I saw her stretched out arching her back and screaming – purple in the face from the exertion. The nurses laughed and said oh I hope you have a strong name for this one. I smiled and said I sure do. If you know her you know she has a very strong name to match her very strong personality. All of my children have 3 names – an unusual name, a family name and a wild card third name. We have raised our children to be vegan and pagan. She insists on being Christian and omnivorous. Because of her age, she remembers attending LDS church and some of the things she learned there. Given the opportunity, she will lead her sisters in a prayer over the food. She loves attending church with her grandparents. Both my wife and I see the LDS faith as very toxic, particularly to young women. Never the less, we figure it is best to let her claim her own faith and avoid fighting with her. We are comforted by the fact that she is drawn to all the spiritualties she is exposed to. She is the altar priestess in our house. This was almost unavoidable as she seemingly appointed herself the altar keeper. She caringly arranges the items on our altar and loves to light candles or incense and say a prayer at the altar. Often times she will bless our altar with her own icons – that’s how we get Christian angels and crosses on there from time to time. She also really enjoyed the time she got to go to Lodge with me and loves to take part in pagan rituals. #2 has shown a particular interest in spell casting and witchcraft.

#2 has a tremendously empathic heart and loves to take care of others. She is fascinated by people who are different and strives to understand their life. She enjoys watching YouTube videos of children with disabilities or illnesses and packs lunches to hand out to the unhoused. She hopes to be a mother some day and often pretends to be a mother or school teacher to her younger sisters. Early on in my transition, #2 asked me when we would be moving. I explained not for a long time and asked why she was so insistent on moving. She explained that she was embarrassed by me walking around the neighborhood in dresses and would be extra embarrassed as soon as I started taking medications and growing boobs. How else do you explain HRT to a 9 year old? She used to refuse to be seen with me in public when I was en femme. One day a month or so after the “when are we moving” conversation she told me she had something to show me on YouTube. With a big smile she showed me videos of a young “boy” who enjoys wearing dresses and attending dance class, since that day she has been “Ok” with my gender #representationMatters. She now gets excited every time she sees a gender divergent person – particular AMAB ones – and points it out to me. It’s almost a game “can you spot the people like your Daddie.” There seems to be a split in her mind between adults and children because she remains very embarrassed and uncomfortable with her older sibling’s gender divergence. She is socially minded and worries what peers and classmates will think. This being said she seems to have no problem when I drop her off at school or attend school functions.   

Durga the Divine Mother

#3 has been the most supportive and involved in my transition. She takes great interest in my clothing and makeup and will often make note of the changes in my body and discuss them with me. She celebrates every step of my transition with me and thinks what I am doing is really fascinating and exciting. #3 is a ball of energy; she relates to the world through her body and has a definite need for physical activity, be that rough housing or snuggling. She is funny and mischievous and curious. She is such a firecracker at home that I often forget about the support that she needs when we leave our comfort zone. #3 is also tremendously socially anxious and struggles in new places or with people she doesn’t know. I believe that part of this due to having struggled to communicate most of her life. My youngest two children both have fairly significant articulation disorders and often struggle to be understood. #3 has been so very patient with those of us around her who have struggled to understand what she is saying. I do feel like patience is a key strength this girl has. After years of speech therapy, she is getting much easier to understand and has even become brave enough to make comments in class – I am so proud of her. #3 has told both me and her mother that she hopes to grow up and marry a boy and a girl. Not a non-binary person but marry a boy and marry a girl. Spiritually, #3 pretty much takes in whatever is around her. She is happy to follow #2’s lead and shows interest in our rituals but does not seem exceedingly spiritually minded at this point of her life. She is a caring and moral person and in our house that is what counts. 

Kali Destroyer of Evil Protector of The Innocent

#4 is our baby at 5 years old. She just started kindergarten this year. #5 was 18 months old when our Little Texas Town instituted a COVID lockdown. She does not recall a pre-COVID world and having all the family together at home is the norm that she knows. #4 is a set of contradictions. She spent the first five years of her life wearing Disney princess dresses and hates wearing pants.  Don’t let that fool you though, she is high speed high adventure and does not let the dress slow her down. She has broken her arm 3 times in the 5 years of her life two of which required the placement of pins. She has very definite opinions about life and doesn’t mind letting you know what is on her mind. #4 has not missed a beat with my transition. The greatest effect my transition has had on her seems to be the disappearance of my beard. In her defense, I stopped cutting my hair before she was born and she had only known me with a big bushy beard. From time to time she will ask me to grow it back or ask when I will grow my beard back. She will also tell me my face is “spikey” and hurts. She insists that I am a man regardless of the changes I’ve undergone and I don’t fight her. Outside of that her life remains fairly unchanged. She is happy and energetic. #4 is about as spiritually aware as any other 5 year old who has not been exposed to religious indoctrination.

The Good Shepard - Still has place our home

I hate to disappoint the raving masses but my children are all well-adjusted and happy. The well-intended concerns people express about my children seem to take two forms 1) my transition will somehow corrupt or “groom” my children into being queer as well. 2) My transition will expose my children having a life more difficult than it otherwise should be. As for 1 – and so? What is wrong with that? The way I see it my children are growing up with the freedom and security to explore all aspects of their personality without having to conform to a religiously ascribed identity. They will never know the shame and self-hatred that has been a nagging companion through the majority of my life. 1 assumes too many things to really break down at this moment. Long story short, it assumes that queerness is contagious and that queerness is somehow defective or bad. I hope I don’t need to go further into why these ideas are not great and likely fall under terms like homophobia, cis-sexism and heteronormativity.

Concern 2 is more sincere but still misplaced. I’ll return to the idea that this assumes that having a depressed and dysphoric parent is somehow better than having a Trans parent. Also, it’s interesting that it assumes that I am the one making my children’s life harder. At some point I’d love to talk about the ways the world makes my children’s life difficult. Briefly, I will say that “Family Values” does not include my children or indeed my family. Really, “Family Values” means that we think it is great to boycott a Disney movie for portraying a family like mine where two women love each other.  “Family Values” means that taking my children to cultural events will require that my family walk through a host of protesters telling us we will go to hell and that we are grooming our children for abuse. This is not lost on my children –they live in a world where families like ours are not welcome – where Daddies like theirs are not ok. If my children listen to what is being said in the world “out there”, they will be lead to believe that I am a risk to them. My parenthood is undermined because I live in a world where my children are being taught that I am a child molester. There is currently an active effort to push “them queers” back into the closet. People are banning books with queer characters and passing laws that outlaw the mention of “LGBTQ issues.”  There is a push to create a world in which cis-het children will not be exposed to the existence of a queer people. A world in which my children will not see a family that represents their family. Communal spaces will not include the vibrant queer pagan’s exist in their personal life. MY children are being asked to “not exist” for the interest of other people’s children.   

So dear reader, I ask of you as you head to the polls this Tuesday and consider casting your ballot for that “Family Values” candidate, ask yourself whose family is this candidate advocating for? Whose children are they protecting? When that School board candidate discusses parents’ rights which parents do you think they are talking about? Do you honestly agree with the political rhetoric that parent’s desire to protect their child from ideas they do not agree with trumps my family’s right to exist safely in public spaces? Why is their parenthood more valid than my parenthood?  

 

Love 

   - MJ