Science and Falsehoods Coda: Why does all this matter?

Throughout this series I have discussed a wide range of philosophies and attempted to create a framework of intellectual humility in which faith and science could co-exist as separate things. There is a certain bit of the practicality of the matter that I feel has been left untouched. My initial goal of starting this blog and this particular series was to stop debating anti-trans folks online and channel my thoughts and energies into something more worthwhile. In the time since I started, I have made a determination that as a trans academic, I am the very opposite of what the anti-trans crowd respects and listens to. In fact, I am the very embodiment of the woke groomer they fear. I also find that engaging in this type of “debate” is too emotionally draining.  Trans denialists and endorsers of “conversion therapy” end up looking at me and accusing me of being “too angry” or “overly emotional.” There is a primary difference between me and them. For them, a “debate” is an intellectual exercise in which they defend their ideology. For me, these ideas are very real with incredibly determinantal impact. These issues are profoundly personal on several different levels. They have greatly impacted my life (more on that to come) in ways I am still working to undo. They have also impacted my community, our sense of safety and our mental health. For me, trans suicide is not a statistic or a distant idea. I have struggled with my own journey with suicide. I have also watched friends struggle with their journey – I have friends who have survived their own ghastly attempts. Perhaps the place trans suicide feels the most palpable to me is my professional life. One of my specializations is working with neurodivergent individuals who are also gender diverse. I have spent countless hours with the brave and strong individual discussing their struggles with suicide and internalized stigma. So yes, I get a little fired up when people want to debate the validity of my existence and the existence of the people I know and love. Also, as an individual who has studied and intentionally lived gender her whole life, I have very little patience for the level of ignorance these trans denialists display. For better or worse, I have chosen to retreat deeper into my queer bubble. I see myself a paramedic of sorts in the culture war.  I don’t need to be on the front lines fighting “the enemy.”  My skillset is better utilized back at home caring for those who have been deeply wounded by the ideological barrage they live under. Given this stance I see allies as the primary audience for this blog. I write for those who are open to hear what I am saying and willing to examine their own thinking.

Perhaps the most pernicious way anti-trans idea’s have impacted my own life is through “conversion therapy.” The pseudoscience and philosophies surrounding queer identities has manifest itself in the belief that someone can change their gender or sexual orientation along with therapeutic practices that purport to do so. I have always known that I was trans. I also carried a strong sense that acting on my trans inclinations was an abomination, an affront to God worthy of eternal damnation. I was born a disgusting pervert whose existence challenged the bedrock of the gospel. I had to change, I believed I could change, I knew that with God all things were possible and that God’s atonement would save me from the wretch I was. I desperately clung to my faith and spent the better part of my 20’s, deeply engaged with literature from organizations like Evergreen International and National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). It was the early aughts and most of us did not really grasp the concept of gender and sexuality being different. Trans folks were simply lumped in with the broader “gay” community.  Engagement with this literature and community gave me false hope that I could change. It also perpetuated the narrative that my natural tendencies, central aspects of how I experienced myself and the world, were sinful and contrary to God’s will. Ultimately, it resulted in a deep depression and self-loathing. After years of study and prayer and participation in BYU’s “sexual issues” therapy groups I came to the conclusion that God was not going to change me. Somehow, I was not worthy to receive God’s grace and be realigned and healed by the power of the atonement. I settled into the understanding that I would simply have to live my life fighting against my instincts and dealing with the way that made me feel. God in his wisdom did not see fit to change me so I had to “take up my cross” and deal with my “thorn in the flesh.”

These ideologies did what they were designed to do. They foreclosed any true exploration of my gender   and left me clinging to a deaf God who refused to grant me the change I had been promised. The unintended consequence was that I learned to feel a deep sense of unworthiness and otherness. Other people bore testimony to God having removed the blight of homosexuality from their heart. I was simply not worthy enough. I desperately tried to be the best Mormon I could so that God would love me enough to change me. He never did --- because gender and sexual orientation do not change from external forces. More often than not, those who claim to have been changed end up giving up the fight and coming out.  Perhaps the most damning example of this is David Matheson who was a prominent voice in the Evergreen organization during the time I was associated with them. David ultimately divorced his wife and came out as gay in 2014. This in NBC’s summary of the event https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/once-prominent-conversion-therapist-will-now-pursue-life-gay-man-n961766. Pseudoscientific claims lend an air of scholarly legitimacy to ideas that start from an a priori theological space.  Ideas that are falsifiable. Conversion therapy has about a 30% success rate – meaning that at the end of a 1 year or 5-year study 30% of participants claim to have been changed. I am not familiar with research that goes longer than that. A recent study by the UCLA school of law determined that those who undergo conversion therapy have 92% greater odds of lifetime suicidal ideation, 75% greater odds of planning to attempt suicide, and 88% greater odds of attempting suicide resulting in no or minor injury. Now this is correlational research that confounds religiosity with conversion therapy, meaning highly religious people who hold views against homosexuality are the most likely to undergo conversion therapy. There is likely a fundamental connection between believing you were born an abominable sin and suicide. That being said, there is consensus that conversion therapy makes people more likely to kill themselves and the practice is condemned by every major academic mental health organization.  

The issue of conversion therapy offers an interesting example of applying the broader ideas I am talking about in relationship to science and faith co-existing. Here in Utah our conversion therapy ban is the result of a very unique compromise that may be a model moving forward. Rather than outright banning the practice, we lobbied to have the licensure regulations for a mental health therapist amended to exclude the practice of conversion therapy. The end result is that no licensed mental health therapist in the state of Utah can practice conversion therapy AND non-licensed individuals such as pastoral counselors, life coaches and religious leaders remain free to provide whatever intervention their conscious dictates. In this way, we were able to regulate a scientifically based profession according to the dictates of our science while not effecting faith-based agencies and individuals. Thus, everyone is able to practice according to their ontology and ethics.  Coexistence!!!

I work very hard not to play the “what if” game or regret all the years I spent in the closet. I have to respect the journey I had to take. I’ve had a few therapists comment that it is nearly miraculous that I was ever able to embrace myself and transition given the culture I was born into. In those moments of regret, I do wounder what my life would be without the falsehoods that kept me clinging to a God that despised me while claiming to love me. Ultimately, falsehoods complicated my own journey to self-acceptance and taught me to hate myself.

In recent years, I have seen falsehoods play a wider and more pernicious role as “transgenderism” and “gender ideology” have captured the attention and imagination of the political right. This modern onslaught on trans rights is the tobacco strategy at its finest. The conservative right is actively working to push the trans community back into the closet. Forcing us to exist on the fringes of society and in some states threatening our ability to be parents. This year state legislatures are considering 533 laws that would directly impact the trans community-limiting our right to make health care decisions for ourself and our children, limiting the public spaces we are allowed to inhabit, limiting who we get to play sports with, eliminating books and media that represent our lives and giving various business and institutions the right to discriminate against us in the name of “the God of Love” they claim to worship.  In short, the people who blew a gasket over mask mandates have no issue legislating the minutest details of my life. All of these bills are supported by interest groups touting their falsehoods and claiming scientific ambiguity where there is none.  One example that particularly irks me is the so called “fact” that several trans denialists sight that transition causes suicide. I have personally been told that I would kill myself within a year of transition. I have friends who have been told that their transition would make them suicidal. One of internet troll’s favorite things to do is hunt out trans folks and tell them that they are going to kill themselves and to just get it over with. Yes, this is the kind of reaction trans people get simply for existing in unmoderated internet spaces. These Falsehoods bolster those who seek to legislate trans folks back to the underground ware good upstanding Christians (supposed adherents to the gospel of love) will not have to be troubled by them again.

In the end, what I hope I have accomplished with this “Science and Falsehoods” series is to highlight the impacts of this “intellectual debate” and lay out an ideological path for peaceful coexistence of different peoples and ideologies. I hope and yes pray that we can legislate the way we did when we enacted the conversion therapy ban – finding compromises that allow us all to live according to the dictates of our conscious. As it stands, I fear the majority seems to be content to throw its weight around on arguments founded in false hoods. There is however a sliver of hope. Coexistence isn’t a newfangled idea, it has been around a good while. The problem is that coexistence can only come from those who hold the power, the majority-cis-het white straight folks that hold most of the political power. Way back in 1995,  a movie was released – a modern fairy tale about coexistence. Too Wong Foo, Thanks for everything! Julie Newmar. This movie took perhaps the three manliest actors at the time Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, and John Leguizamo and cast them as New York City drag queens who take a road trip and get stuck in rural America. Over time the drag queens (although it is fairly heavily hinted at that Patrick Swayze’s character is likely trans) endear themselves to the locals. The story culminates in a scene ware the locals stand up and stop a cop from arresting the drag queens.  Here’s the scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8HbAAkMqoU. Although, I highly recommend a full watch of this gem of a film.

This is the only way trans folks gain acceptance and retain their rights. Allies must stand up and let their legislature know that their bigotry is not acceptable. The community has to insist upon the protection of trans folks. I’ve learned my place and it is not on the front line. I need my readers and allies to stand up and fight ware I can’t.

As always, thanks for reading and thanks for fighting. Love can overcome hate and we can build a beautiful society.  Remember your heart is a muscle the size of your fist – keep on fighting, keep on loving.

--MJ