Allyship - a call to action

 

Allyship is an interesting concept. Ostensibly it feels simple, yet it grows complex as soon as you start to examine it. I never really called myself an “ally” prior to coming out. I figured that all my time campaigning against gay marriage rights precluded me from that title. Once I was a member of the community, I figured I didn’t need to worry about that title. Then my older brother asked me if I thought someone could be a member of the LDS church and an ally. At the time I was unsure, but felt like paying ten percent of your income to an openly hostile organization like the LDS church would offset whatever good someone could accomplish. My current position on the issue is not only can LDS folks be allies, but that we desperately need allies in the LDS church and other conservative Christian institutions.

I grew up in a conservative echo chamber. This was by design. Singular focus on the voice of the prophets was seen as a virtue. My mother’s answer to what was called back then “anti-Mormon” literature was that competing institutions will always work to make the other’s look bad. There is no point in listening to the church’s critics because they are predetermined to be critical. This attitude was the backbone of my native culture. During my time at BYU, there was a strong culture of trusting church sources above all else. The words of “the brethren” were held in highest esteem. If their word contradicted scientific findings, it was because the science was wrong. God’s word delivered by his prophets was the ultimate truth everything else had to work around. I see much of this cloistered obedience to authority across the political spectrum. No one wants to hear or engage in discourse from a standpoint of curiosity; because it involves an appeal to an authority they don’t recognize (this should remind you of my faith and falsehoods writings.) As a result, we end up in a situation where we can’t agree on what issues are at stake, let alone begin to understand the opinion of the other side.

In this cloistered environment a person like me doesn’t stand a chance at engaging in discourse. I deal with a double frustration. I know that my understanding of the science and my personal experience have given me the knowledge to genuinely engage in the discourse. At the same time, I also have the knowledge that I am the embodiment of everything the “gender critical” crowd has been taught to fear. I am a trans woman, an academic, and a psychologist who works with children. So, in short, I am the groomer Sean Hannity warned you about. What that means is that very few folks on the other side will even begin to talk to me about trans rights, let alone listen to anything I have to say. I live way too far out of their sphere of existence.

Allies and Allyship are the only answer I see to this quandary. Ally is a political title usually used for countries with whom you have political ties and shared interests. These relationships between countries are typically managed by diplomats who bring information from their country to another. They also bring information from the other country back to their own country. Doing so requires that they maintain citizenship in their own country while also having extensive contact with the other country. The only way I stand a chance of disseminating my knowledge to the more conservative quarters is through a less threatening intermediary. I need conservative religious people willing to listen to me and bring their newly acquired knowledge/perspective back to the conservative religious community they belong to. Folks are much more willing to listen to a member of their own community than an outsider that does not share their worldview. Thus, LDS allies and allies from other conservative religious groups are central to resolving the current stalemate and lack of discord. They are the ones who can disseminate my country’s “knowledge” to those who see me as an enemy.

There is a spiritual component to this endeavor. Those who practice witchcraft acknowledge several different types of witches with different gifts. Hedge witches live and practices in liminal spaces. In psychoanalytic thought we would call these folks psychopomps. They often deal with matters of life and death; whether that is as a midwife or a guide for souls of the deceased. Hedge witches are thought of as gates in the hedge, bridges between worlds. It’s taken me a long time to realize and accept my role as a hedge witch. This is a little embarrassing when you look at my life. My career deals with several different transitions. I work with suicidal people and often spend my days discussing life and death. I have also had the honor of shepherding others through their gender transition both as a therapist or queer “auntie”. In my spiritual community, I keep fire. The ritual fire is seen as a gateway between worlds. My magic is liminal magic. My call to allyship is a call to practice hedge magic. Come join me in the liminal space.

Many people today choose to call themselves Allies. As best as I can tell this means they think I have a right to exist in public spaces. Much of the acts of allyship I see these folks engage in are empty gestures that mostly benefit them. The primary example of this is virtue signaling. People are quick to wear a pin or make a Facebook post to let everyone know that they “support the gays.” Most of these people could not tell you much about the issues the community is facing or what the community needs. True allies are informed. Primarily through their own efforts. In this day and age queer voices can be heard on every platform, books, webpages, podcasts, TikTok creators, and even blogs. There are great TV shows written by queers with queer charters. Some of my favorites are “Feel Good” written and staring nonbinary comedian Mae Martin, “Sort Of” written and starring nonbinary comedians Bilal Baig and Fab Filippo, and of course “Sense8” the Wachowski sister’s joyfully queer sci-fi thriller.  Or if you are more of chronically online sort of person you could follow queer creators on your favorite social media some of my favorites are Jammidodger, Mercury Stardust, and Dylan Mulvaney. A simple google search will give you several options of trans people you could listen to. Doing research on your own spares us trans folks the emotional labor of having to educate everyone around us. Knowing how to treat me before you meet me and not asking me to justify my existence are true ally flexes.     

I feel like this should go without saying but know that it does need to be said. Being an ally means you understand what the fight is, and validate the struggle. Many people that consider themselves allies often invalidate my reality through what they believe to be support. One way this frequently happens is people being astonished about the way trans folks are treated. Huge reactions to stories of discrimination “oh my God no one should ever be treated like that” tell me more about your reality than mine. When you react that way I think “oh you sweet child of the sun. You think the world is a fair place and prejudice died in the 60’s.” Another way this presents is folks who insist that I am safe. Trying to convince me I am safe does very little for me. I know the world I live in I know the looks that I get, and I know that 90% of folks killed for being trans are transfeminine people. If I am uncomfortable you should stand by my side and let me know you have my back not try to convince me that my discomfort is somehow unfounded. Allyship requires that you firmly accept the fight you are in. You cannot deny the dangers and simultaneously work to make the world safer. This “the world is safer than you think” kind of thinking isn’t for me. What it does is allows you to maintain your sense of safety. Your idea that the world is a fair, kind, safe place. What it does for me is make the world more dangerous. Accompanying me to the bathroom does much more for me than trying to convince me the bathroom is safe or no one will make an issue about me being there.

Allies do not work to maintain their worldview by fitting me into it. Rather they listen to trans voices and allow trans perspectives to challenge their beliefs about the world. I am not asking people to adopt my worldview. I am simply asking them to make space for me in their world view. This does mean that people may need to challenge and change some perspective but not their entire worldview. One critical example is changing one’s perspective about the conservative religious institution they are a member of. Many members of the LDS church are quick to explain to you that the institution of the church and its policies are different from the divine doctrine. This is often done to excuse one policy or another. Very few LDS people I know are willing to take that logic to the next step and admit that the institution and its policies are wrong. The current LDS policy would force me to attend men’s meetings and use the men’s restroom (or post a guard outside the women’s restroom). Trans people cannot hold callings that involve working with children. The LDS church does much more to protect kids from trans people then it does to protect them from known predators. Anyone who justifies these policies is not an ally they are an enemy. Real allies understand why such policies are so painful and harsh and are willing to admit that the institution and its policies are wrong. You cannot be an apologist for my dehumanization and the removal of my rights and fight for my rights and humanity. Calling yourself an ally while defending policies that are clearly hostile and discriminatory makes you a wolf in sheep’s clothing. An imposter who is attempting to please two masters and offending both. True allies agree what the fight is and stand with the trans community even when it hurts.

This brings me to one of the most critical aspects of allyship. Allies are not cheerleaders they are engaged in the fight. This means that they are often struck by some of the same stones and arrows being lobbed at the trans community. Being critical of your institution or its policies may ruin some of your relationships. Those around you may see you as being on the wrong side of politics or theology. If it is any comfort, every person who has ever transitioned has at least one story of a relationship they lost because of their transition. Losing these relationships hurts. Most people who have transitioned will tell you that living authentically was worth going through that pain. True allies value the rights and humanity of the trans community more then they value relationships. All too often would be allies stand quietly by while someone tells anti-trans jokes or endorses anti-trans laws. If you really want a trans person to see you as an ally you will jump up to correct bigotry before they have the chance. The time for quiet allyship is over. The anti-trans crowd believes they are the silent majority. The silence of our allies reinforces this worldview and emboldens our enemies.  

I mentioned my big brother at the beginning of this post. I want to revisit him because he is, in my mind, the model of allyship. My brother approached me during the early days of my transition. He was curious as to my opinion on some of the anti-trans pseudo-science he had been exposed to. He wanted me to read some things and let him know my thoughts. I initially thought I could read it but quickly found myself in a dark emotional place that reminded me of my conversion therapy days. My brother was understanding when I told him I couldn’t read his materials. Real allies respect trans people’s boundaries and don’t ask for undue emotional labor. Real allies are open minded. My brother did not come to me to debate or to change my mind. He was genuinely curious and open to my point of view. He heard what I had to say and considered it himself without having to debate with me. One of the reasons I started this blog was to explain my ideas to him. Over the last four years my brother and I have exchanged several emails and had multiple conversations about my transition. My brother has always supported me in my transition. Most notably he was open to my point of view and willing to acknowledge its validity. He is still a member of the LDS church and actively serves in his local LDS ward. Knowing him, he likely calmly explains what he has learned from me to the “haters” he encounters. And that, at the end of the day, is the most important aspect of allyship. Allys stand in places trans people can’t and advocate for the trans community even if they are the only one in the room doing so. Allies are willing to challenge institutions, policies and friends in defense of the trans community. And to all true allies I thank you deeply for your partnership and support.